In Between

In between Christmas and New Year’s Eve
In between my first and possible second attempt of passing CCIE
In between my current job and my possible next
In between studying Jesus and studying CCIE
In between sanctifying the workplace and leaving it as it is
In between getting healthy and enjoy
In between kiss and make up
In between moving and staying
In between rental and buy
In between doing less and having to do more
In between having one and wanting another
In between a girl and hopefully a boy
In between chaos and structure
In between convincing and letting go
In between know-it-all and humility
In between remember and forget
In between hard hearts and hard words
In between conviction and repentance
In between dependency and hitting snooze

I don’t like being in between. It makes me uneasy. It does not feel like me. I am structured. I am a goal setter. I know what I want. Yet most of the time I seem to be an inch short of achieving my goal. Sometimes even more than a foot. This is not me. I think being between conviction and repentance is my most predominant and urgent state I am in. I feel I am losing myself for the sake of Jesus (which is exactly what He said needs to happen), but I am not sure yet what the new identity is like. I know it must be good, but I feel hesitant to embrace it, holding on too tight to things I should have let go already or never should have hold on to in the first place. Maybe I am just being silly, for I am a sucker for new beginnings and long with all my might for the new year (usually to get disappointed by it relatively soon after that).

I know this post will probably not make any sense to most if not all who read it, but I felt the need to publish it anyway… I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to get things in order and make some pretty big and definite decisions soon, and I don’t think I feel spiritually prepared for it. I am in between.

Carry That Weight

I had some suspicious thoughts already. It was a slow but sure process for sure. Living the “good” life became apparent in more than one way. Of course it’s easy to go into blame-mode: many birthday parties, celebrating Thanksgiving (twice), Sinterklaas, and now the Christmas season, and it’s not over yet. But like I said, it’s all blaming. Obviously I am responsible. And although we are still a week away from the new year, I have already come up with one new year’s resolution.

Still don’t know what I am talking about? Well, I’ll tell you. During most of my adult life I have been weighing 67 kilos (147 pounds), then unnoticed I made a “sudden” increase to 73 kilos (160 pounds). I decided it was time for action and managed in a good time to drop my weight to 63 kilos (138 pounds), feeling very healthy and fit. Actually, I never felt as healthy ever than in that time. But, slowly it started to increase again, and ever since I have been somewhere between 68-73 kilos (150-161 pounds). But not anymore. I felt something was up when I couldn’t (or barely) close my jeans anymore. I didn’t dare step on the scale, but yesterday I finally did. A shocking 77.4 kilos (170 pounds)! And the holiday season isn’t even over yet! Oh boy!

I keep on thinking about the old Beatles song “Carry That Weight.” Do you know it?

Boy, youre going to carry that weight,
Carry that weight a long time
Boy, youre going to carry that weight
Carry that weight a long time

But, yeah, January 1st marks that start of yet another, and hopefully last, weight drop. Now, just so you know, I don’t diet. I don’t use twenty different weight loss programs. Why? Simply because it’s about attitude, responsibility, and taking away the sin of gluttony (as you cannot imagine the amount of food I can eat, as opposed to should eat).

I’ll keep you posted on the progress. February 1st sound like a good first review date.

Oh, yeah, target weight: 65 kilos (143 pounds)

To Elora Liann, On Your First Birthday

Dear Elora Liann,

Today we celebrate your first birthday. What a joy! It’s funny to realize that all the cliches apply, but that it has no effect at all on how amazingly joyful I feel because of it. I could start by saying that I still 3075316262_0c72721e082remember the evening of your birth like it was yesterday, but I can actually still remember as well when your mom said that you were in her belly. Wow! Tears came to my eyes realizing that I would become a daddy. Your daddy! I can still remember when your grandma Sawyer said to me, even before you were born: ‘Marc, you are a father already, and now it’s your task to become a daddy. ‘ Profound words indeed, because being a daddy is so much more than just being a father. I will always be your father, but I have to work always to become and stay your daddy. A lifelong task I eagerly accept with much joy and anticipation.

But let’s get back to the evening you were born. It was a rainy evening, and I just got back from a quick visit to some friends who ensured me that the chances were high that you would not be born yet that night. But, I didn’t even have time to take off my coat when you let me and your mom know that it definitely time. With much eagerness, speed, and force did you make your grand entrance into this world. Into our world. Into our home, at home. In a single second you made us into a family. In a single second everything changed forever. A girl. My girl. I choked. I was speechless. Beyond words. The nurse asked us for your name, and your mom and I said in unison: “Elora Liann.” A name we derived from the Hebrew name Eleora, which means “God is my light,” for we sure pray that you will see God as your light, and Liann, which could mean “God has answered” or “to bind darkness,” but is actually a combination of the names of both your grandmas, Linda and Anna.

And then, I held you for the first time. Something I will never forget for the rest of my life. To hold your delicate, fragile, lively body, smaller than my lower arm, was amazing. You sometimes opened your eyes, you sighed, you yawned. Cute as can be. I fell in love with you instantly, and every day since I love you more. To be the daddy of a girl is already a blessing, but to be your daddy is such an amazing honor and blessing that I can do nothing else than thank God each day for you.

3075325936_1d160bca731Yet now, here we are, one year later to the day. And what a beautiful girl you are. I have cherished every single moment of your growing up so far. Your first smile, your first giggle, how you manage to fall asleep in your bed in these crazy funny positions, how your face looks when tasting something unfamiliar, how you start laughing when I toss you on the bed, your crawling that would make any Navy Seal jealous, and so many more. You are such a joy to have around. Your smile makes me all warm inside. And I love your character. You are friendly, warm-hearted, a people person, relaxed, eager, determined, and curious. I love you, Elora. You are my girl! And this is only the beginning. Year two has officially started. And I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see you stand on your own. I can’t wait to see you wiggle around the house. I can’t wait hearing you say your first words. I can’t wait to see you eating your own food by yourself. I am ready for it. Are you?

Elora, I love you so much, and I am proud and blessed to be your daddy.
Happy birthday, my sweet girl!