It seems life is catching up on me. It seems I live my life from appointment to appointment. And the desire to be part of everything becomes less and less. It feels my life recently is all about doing and not about being. And that is exactly what I am longing for: being a Christian, being a husband, being a father.
I want to be, not do! Of course this doesn’t mean stop doing everything and just sit around the whole day just being. It means that I feel that I want to spend more time being a Christian (having time for Bible reading, praying, silence, solitude, etc), being a husband (have more intimate time and conversations with my beautiful wife, learn what it means to be a Godly husband, learn every facet of her character, be in complete oneness with her, strengthen our marriage in its core), being a father (spend time together as a family, go out for walks, go to the beach on a beautiful Sunday afternoon and have fun, learn what it means to be a Godly father).
“For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Mat 12:34b)… Do I feel that with all the things I do (church-wise) I can say that this verse is true in my life? Does my heart overflow with the love of Christ that it is so evident for everybody in my surrounding that I am a Christian? My surroundings being my parents, my family, my neighbors, my friends, my colleagues, my grocery man, etc. Do I see any spreading of the Word? Are people getting saved and baptized? I am sad to say that the answer to all of the above is: No. And my question is why? How come? And my question is: does this mean that I am doing something wrong? That everything I do is in vain as it does not advance the Kingdom of God? And is this because I am not who I should be and therefore do things I should not do? Maybe I am getting too philosophical, but I believe this to be true. I am not who I should be.
What am I saying? It’s a tricky balance, because being a Christian is all about being and being overflows in doing, but we shouldn’t just do because we have to (that’s religion, not freedom), yet in order to be we have to do, we have to learn and understand, otherwise we cannot be and thus cannot do. So, we should read and study the Bible, meditate on the Word, spend time with God and this will reveal what God expects us to do (not what we think we are suppose to do). And so we must do these things (not out of obligation, but out of a desire to know Him and follow Him). Should we stop doing what we are doing now to focus complete on “learning how to be”? No, but I do think that I should tip the scale to get bring balance (in the Force ;-). I should start making time by being conscious about my time and how I want/need to spend it in order for me to really be firm in my faith and understanding of the Word and what He wants from me.
I am currently reading a book (Organic Church: Growing Faith Where Life Happens, by Neil Cole) and really feel connected to it. I feel encouraged by God’s work, challenged about the way I have been “doing church”. This book truly translate the Great Commission into action. The living Word advancing. And then I compare this with my life at the moment and can tell you this: I am excited to change. I love doing home group. I love the people in our home group. And I want to advance the Kingdom of God together with them. Together grow in our knowledge and understanding of the Word. Together grow in our desire to spread the Word and disciple new believers that have come to faith as a result of us live our faith and stepping out in faith (I don’t mean this in a prideful way. God is the one who calls people. But desire for myself and the group to be His useful instruments!). And I think that this is what it’s all about: small communities of people, living true lives and love their neighborhood. It’s infectious. I don’t believe that what we do now is infectious (at least not infectious enough) as we are doing things secluded, on our own, and all our doing doesn’t translate in being.
I want to live life to the full potential, embrace God’s plan for my life. I don’t think I am. I think it’s time for a radical shift. I am ready for it. I want to live more for God, let Him be in charge. But in order to do that I need to get to know Him way better than I know Him now.
I need to stop doing and start being. I wanna be!